the big picture Archives

09/24/18

Processing big changes in a new season

We have talked before about when seasons shift and almost imperceptible changes, or growth on the part of our children means that we need to regroup every so often.

But sometimes things change in big, huge ways. Sometimes these things are anticipated- an addition to the family, moving house or a child starting school and other times there can be surprising changes.

processing big changes in a new season

In our house we are adjusting in the slightly smaller way to going from the school holidays back into routine- and in the bigger way of our middle joining our eldest at school full time, and also our littlest starting at preschool. I have gone from having 2 little ones around most of the week to having one, some of the week- and even though I had know it was coming the change is still taking a lot longer to process than I had thought!

So if you are also sending small people off on little adventures or dealing with other life changes- here are a few things to bear in mind.

Be gentle with yourself-

we always have very high expectations of ourselves, and even though a change might have been planned and hoped for – doesn’t mean it won’t take time to get used to. If you feel physically exhausted, rest and get some early nights. Writing things down can help relieve some of the mental load and chatting to friends is always a good plan.

Share experiences with others-

find others who are in your shoes or have been before and can sympathise and remember what it was like. The exciting things, the hard things, moments you want to celebrate can all be shared with loved ones, friends or new friends.

It’s okay to have mixed feelings-

or not know what your feelings even are. When we moved house I knew nobody at all- and while initially it was exciting the reality of being in a new place with a baby and toddler was quickly daunting. Taking time to reflect and process the changes that are happening is always really helpful.

Give it time-

what feels overwhelming or strange to begin with does start to ease. Making baby steps forward or taking moments to write down the good things can help you to process the change. Time makes the ‘new’ a bit less new and you will begin to adjust in your mind and body.

After a busy summer and not taking much time to journal it has been so refreshing to get into a new journal, to start a new ‘season refresh’ page and to take some time reflecting on the changes and the next few months ahead. If you’re also processing a change to your everyday, however big or small, I hope some of these things are helpful to you too.

06/18/18

These are the good old days

I don’t want to miss this beautiful life that’s right here, because I am thinking about what’s next or remembering what it was like when they were at a different stage or longing for certain challenges to move on.

These are the good old days.

At every stage, photos from a few years ago, a year ago, a few months ago, even, remind me that these days are the best. These are the good old days- it just doesn’t always feel like it the time. Seeing myself, my everyday, through the lens of time passed- gives me perspective and clarity on these days right now.

These are the good old days.

There are crazy, messy, stressful moments, but they are also scattered through with many beautiful, everyday, wonderful moments. Things that we take for granted, which just are the way they are- like the cot they are lowered into, the pram we push, the car seat we buckle or the shoes we tie- they move on and change and we look back and realise that those everyday things were beautiful.

These are the good old days.

It takes effort, slowing down and having open eyes to see what those things are in our everyday motherhood. To see the mess as they try to eat a yoghurt and smile, to watch the way they move when they run, to see the bedtime knowing one day they won’t need, or perhaps want you as they drift off. It takes patience and an ability to step back and remember the big picture- to remember that these days when they are children won’t last forever.

These are the good old days, and I want to love them in the moment- not just in retrospect.

These are the good old days, and I will find the gold within the whirling current of everyday life.

These are the good old days, the ones I will look back on fondly – without regret but knowing that I was there and I was there, despite the trials and tribulations.

These are the good old days, and I am here in them.

05/17/18

Knowing ourselves in and through motherhood

I can be restless, spinning in the middle of motherhood. How is it that motherhood is both too much and not enough, that I am both forgetting myself and growing into a stronger, more rooted version of myself? Life grows simpler and yet more complicated by the minute- having children pulls everything into focus whilst also causing life to swim before my eyes.

How do we know who we are in the middle of motherhood? How do we remember who we are when other people fill our vision most of the time?

knowing ourselves in and through motherhood

A lot of who we are is wrapped up in motherhood, particularly in those early years of being at home with them a lot or before they start school. Children view themselves as the same person as you (their mother or primary caregiver) until they are about 6, which is so interesting when you think about trying to love and raise them. They literally can’t separate their identity from you when they are young, and so it is true that we need to understand ourselves and model good things, pursue good things for ourselves in order for them also to understand themselves and go ahead in straight aths.

The truth is that whilst motherhood can feel all consuming, and does often consume the majority of our time, we are multi faceted women. Mothering is a huge and important art of our lives, but it doesn’t define us, it’s not our whole identity. When I think back through my years of mothering so far, the times I and my children have been the most content and secure have not been the times where motherhood was all I was. If we put so much pressure on motherhood, on our children, on ourselves, to make us happy and fulfilled then we will always be let down.

No, motherhood is not all we are, and motherhood is not all we do. If you have really small babies and children who need you all the time, don’t be discouraged, I know that day in day out it can feel like all we have time for is caring for the needs of our little ones. It is so easy to be overwhelmed by these day to day tasks, the burden of love and care that falls to us. But just for a moment, look up, breathe the fresh air of this life and remember that you are a whole, wonderful person with or without them. You can take snippets of time to dream your dreams, chat to your little ones about your past, tell stories of who you are and who they are and weave your family’s narrative around you. You can take minutes here and there to show them you, the whole you.

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If we want our children to be confident, kind or polite, we need to show them how, we need to do it ourselves.

If we want them to recognise their strengths and the ways they were made, and embrace those we need to be seen to be doing that too. Not just in motherhood, but in other things.

If we want our little ones to be compassionate to others, loving those in need and doing uncomfortable things for the sake of putting others first we need to be modelling that for them.

If we want our children to know that they can keep trying, keep going, to not let failure define them but to learn and grow through setbacks, we also need to be doing that in our own lives. In motherhood, in our personal lives, in relationships with others and in pursuing dreams and goals that are bigger than us.

Motherhood can be one of the most refining and sanctifying arts of life. Daily I learn my limitations, the areas I struggle and the things I can learn from and that we do well together. As we watch our children learn new things and we watch ourselves encourage them and feel proud of them, we learn about ourselves. As we encounter challenges and react to them, grow from them or struggle against them, we have more chances to learn about who we are and who they are.

The more we are pushed out of my comfort zones the more we come to learn that we are not invincible, not perfect and not altogether, even though we are the adult. We have much to learn, and we can learn it alongside our little ones, modelling teachability, humility and forgiveness along the way. We can resist the pressure to feel like we have to have it all together to be perfect parents. We can live against the lie that there is a perfect way to parent. We are all doing our best as we go along and live and learn in our families, showing love and grace and kindness as we explore childhood and walk through it together.

01/04/18

Refresh series- Part 4: Set your focuses in motherhood

Welcome back to the Refresh Series- a series of posts to refresh and encourage us in motherhood- whether we are in the middle of one season or beginning a new one.

Year long journals are shipping now, along with calendars to allow you some mental space in the midst of everyday motherhood. You can get free UK shipping on any order with code FREESHIP .

You can read part Part 1 here , Part 2 here and Part 3 here!

So far we have taken stock, reflected on our little ones and dug into defining our season. Today is about finding focus in the midst of everything that motherhood can throw at us.

It’s not too hard to daily feel overwhelmed by the necessary things of motherhood- all the caring aspects of feeding people, keeping on top of paperwork, clothing, playing with them and reading stories. Then on top of that are all the things that society tells us we ‘should’ do to be perfect parents, all the invisible standards that we can hold ourselves to even though it’s best just to mother in the way that works for us and our family.

mama refresh series

We need to have ways to focus on what matters to us and our family, and not things that are unattainable standards that we’ve gathered from other places. As the new year dawns we have been barraged by advice on being a better person, healthier, brighter, lighter- I’m still wrestling with myself with the desire to make goals and resolutions but knowing that anything I choose for my life needs to be manageable, realistic focuses that are actually going to bring life and help us to grow towards the things that matter.

Step 7 – take a look at your day to day

Write down (if you haven’t already done somewhere!) what your usual weekly rhythms are. Don’t focus too much on the minutiae- but get down places you might go to, groups you visit, or after school activities that reoccur. If you have a really unpredictable life with shifts and that kind of thing, I can empathise with my husband’s work schedule always being up in the air. But as much as I can it’s helpful to know what our weeks usually look like, and our little ones love having a sense of what is going on too.

Rhythms are my favourite thing- they reduce my decision fatigue if we have a pattern to our week, and yet I have the flexibility to change things up where possible, if it’s going to work better that week when things aren’t tied down to a certain schedule.

refresh series- set focuses in motherhood =rhythms of our week.

Step 8 – choose areas to focus on

Remembering what your season is and what is most important right now, choose some areas that you can focus on in the coming months. I try to keep this as simple as possible so that I actually manage to remember it!

Think through different areas of your life and motherhood- and don’t forget to keep the big picture in mind when it comes to these.

I like to break it down to six different areas to make it easy to work out what to prioritise in this season.

At home– within our four walls, what do we want to focus on? Whether a tangible project you want to tackle or habits to work on like ours.

People– those in our community and family to reach out to.

Teaching– whether that’s homework, sharing skills or areas of training our little ones, it’s hard to do it all at once so chose an area or two to work on particularly right now.

Health– of our family but also ourselves. Exercise, food, mental health, all really important to remember. I love having one area to set good habits up in before working on another.

Mama time– whether alone or with friends we need to recharge and do things that give us life so that we can pour out to others. Writing this down helps us to remember to make time for it!

A challenge– something to push us outside our comfort zone, or a challenge that we are facing that we want to work through.

I have found making a few focuses for this particular time really helpful. Stick them up somewhere visible or have a chance to remind yourself of all these important things in the Mama Book calendar – free shipping with code FREESHIP! – which has a section so that each month you can refresh your focuses and remember on the big picture everyday.

The mama book 2018 calendar

Tomorrow’s post will be the final instalment in the series and will help us take our focuses and turn them into actionable steps to add to our calendars and create new habits from, so check back for that or find The Mama Book on Facebook or Instagram.

Grab a calendar (on sale!) to keep your focuses, self care priorities and joy front and centre as you go about your days. Even if you already have a big family calendar this is perfect to keep track of birthdays or school holidays whilst also having places for reflection and planning for you as a mama. Don’t forget your free shipping code – FREESHIP for free UK postage.

10/02/17

Creating an intentional family culture

If you’re anything like me it’s easy to get wrapped up in the day to day of the home, subduing the mess and doing the necessary things and losing sight of the bigger meaning of our home and the importance of creating an intentional family culture. For many years I never took any time to think about what our family culture or atmosphere was, or what I wanted it to be. There are so many wonderful things which have happened organically over the years, and things we have taken some time to act on intentionally- and seeing those shape our family now- 5 years into parenting- is so fun. But sometimes it takes a bit of intentionality and a simple reminder here and there of what we are chasing after in the day to day to avoid frustration amongst the chaos of children at home.

Intentionally approaching motherhood, and cultivating a family culture that’s unique to us and our skills, values and family members requires effort. Without a clear of what our hopes are for ourselves, our homes and our families we can drift and feel aimless, but it can feel overwhelming to try and make a plan for something that will work for our families.

Here are some things to think about which can help when it comes internationally creating or defining your family culture.

Remember who you are and where you’re coming from

A lot of our expectations or hopes for our homes, families and children are affected by our own childhoods- whether positively or negatively- as our own experiences shape us and as we look back on our memories of growing up. We come into motherhood with expectations which we have to adapt, adjust and work towards- when we know that they are hopes which are realistic and personal for our own families.

Each of us as mothers have different backgrounds, experiences, family memories and also skills, values and roles. Amidst our roles as mothers, teachers, cleaners, wives- we have a myriad of other things which feed into and create us to be the people we are. We are also daughters, sisters, friends- creative, funny, energetic, joyful. We have memories of climbing trees, eating favourite meals, visiting parks and museums and laughter in our homes.

When you think about your skills and attributes- are there any you want to work towards making more a part of your daily life, to implement intentionally into your family culture? Which elements of your childhood do you want to repeat, and are there any that you want to change? I know I can hold onto this idealised vision of what I wanted motherhood to be like when I was a child- children running barefoot around a spacious house, with miraculously clean floors and a smell of whatever is baking filling the air. I as a mother am calm and loving and engaged- and everything stays tidy and no one ever argues. I know that is not entirely realistic now- it wasn’t easy breezy when my first was born- motherhood is a steep learning curve and I’ve had to adjust my ideals. However there are elements of that vision which are helpful- mostly the ways in which I would like to act and interact with others. Whilst I have work to do and messes to sort – I can choose to be frustrated by them and have them affect my relationships or I can be joyful in the way I approach things- even if life isn’t one long sunlit baking session.

And whilst we may want to replicate our childhood for our children, or avoid every thing that we felt was unhelpful or sad for us as children- we have to keep in mind that our children are as unique and different as we are, and have a flexible mindset given that life has changed, and you definitely live in a different time now than you did then- and probably a different place too. Some of the challenges of raising children do change over time, and being aware of them can help us to tackle them consciously as they arise.

What do you want your home and being part of your family to feel like?

Find a space or journal page to jot, draw or stick things which remind you of the vision you have for your family culture. What things do you love about the culture you have already created? Which moments and things bring you all joy, and which simple rhythms add a unique element to your family life? Do you play lots of games? Have a particular meal one day or a simple weekend routine you all enjoy? Make sure that you focus on things which suit you and your family, and avoid wanting someone else’s good!

Pictures or words that resonate deeply with you are better than things which might be great for someone else, or things which are of the moment. What do you deeply crave for your family? How do you want your children to remember their childhood and associate with it as adults? I like to put all of these things on the ‘home vision’ page in The Mama Book, and then I can come back and reference it later as I need to.

Your other half is a complex and individual person who also plays a big part in your home and their values and hopes are worth discussing together when it comes to these things. Sitting down and discussing with your journal or vision board might work, or you can simply ask questions and open up conversations with them to find out where their hearts lie on these subjects.

intentional family culture | the mama book

Are there any tangible steps, habits or projects you to start in order to cultivate the culture in your home that is right for you and your family?

What baby steps can you put in place? Are there habits which you can implement that could affect the culture of your family, or your own health and wellbeing as you focus on being intentional with your time and life with your children?

Breaking down big ideals and projects onto smaller focuses and action items makes them much more manageable – and progress will keep you motivated and make you notice the things you are doing as a family. It can be so lovely to look at big hopes and goals but then discouraging if you think too hard about what a big change might need to happen to get from A to B. Break it down and think about what matters most in this season, what small things you can implement to make things easier in later years and prioritise just a few things at a time.

Choosing some focuses for the next month or two in different areas can keep your mind from getting too bogged down in everyday life and remind you of your bigger picture. Perhaps just choose one small habit or area to work on for a few weeks and then add on another once you have seen progress to avoid getting overwhelmed.

Most of all- your family’s culture will be completely different and beautiful from anyone else’s. Don’t overwhelm yourself with unrealistic expectations and pressures- but when you are aiming at good hopes which you know will last, don’t get discouraged, but keep taking small steps. Small things like reading one book at bedtime add up- whilst babies don’t notice if you do or don’t read one so much, if you get into the habit early you set up a childhood of bonding over books in those quiet moments. Building in baby steps of everyone helping together to put plates in the dishwasher will nudge your closer to being a family who shares the load and values the contribution of each member. Whatever the area is you want to work on, recognise all the good that you are already doing, all the great habits and celebrations that you have in place. Enjoy those things which make your family your family, and relish those things that make your family culture unique.

07/04/17

The ways we mother

Whilst motherhood unites us in common experiences and a common love for our children, another beauty of motherhood is that we each have different backgrounds, talents and experiences that we bring to our mothering. There is no one way to be a mother, there are unlimited ways to love our children, and to help them learn and grow as they go through life with you. One of the most freeing things for me in mothering the past few years has been understanding this, and reminding myself of it over and over. We don’t have to do the same things as anyone else. We don’t have to have a day that looks like anyone else’s. We don’t have to have a family makeup like theirs. From big things like the number of children or location of our houses, to the smaller things like what to do each day or how to get through teatime and bedtime with the most grace- we have freedom to fill motherhood with things that are unique to each of us. The ways we mother are going to be different between families, children, and even generations.

the ways we mother | the mama book

Avoiding the comparison trap

Friends, I struggle with this mama role on a lot of days. There are the days when there’s no where I would rather be, and then there are days when I am painfully aware of how imperfect I am in this assignment. Holding up unrealistic ideals and expectations for ourselves means we are much more ready to trip up as we fail to meet up to the high standards we can judge ourselves by.
We all struggle with different parts of mothering at different times, but comparing ourselves is the easiest way to make things hard for ourselves. We can do this without really noticing that we are, so it’s really important to be aware of the messages we are giving ourselves.
She may have a really clean house or somehow make time to do her hair every morning, but she also struggles with cooking anything beyond pasta and feels guilt about …
She may look like she’s got her routine perfectly carved out and her life runs smoothly but she’s also got insecurity about not having deep friendships and worries about her marriage.
She might manage to do all the crafts and return all the forms and take the cutest pictures for social media but inside she’s just as worried that she’s not doing enough as you are.

Let’s celebrate the ways we differ, cheer each other on and not worry about whether their home looks cleaner, if they are on time more or if their lives look happier. We all have our struggle and all need to be honest and friendly and supportive to each other. Whilst it is scary to open up and admit an area we struggle with, or a weakness we feel we have, it actually opens up friendships and builds trust and a chance for the other person to feel safe enough to admit their vulnerabilities too.

And when we come across those with differing opinions from ours- the way in which we interact with those mamas is going to make all the difference. Choosing to give each other grace and offering support and understanding even if we would respond differently or find something difficult in another person. When the temptations to judge someone or disapprove can sneak in- we need to remember that we are different and that’s the joy of getting to share the common experience of motherhood even though we are so often different from one another. Treating each other with kindness, grace and compassion will allow us to build each other up irrespective of our differences in parenting approaches or sensitive issues.

the ways we mother | the mama book

Being confident in our uniqueness

Understanding and embracing our histories, stories and skills means that we are free to live those out in confidence in our homes, families and any other areas we are a part of. There is so much beauty and diversity in being different from one another, yet able to understand and share through conversation, learning and experiences together. Each of us has an opportunity to share with our children things that only we know, things that only we have understood in that way and skills and passions that only we have in our own way.

Once I remembered that I was a creative person and embraced that personally (to begin with I just started getting the watercolours out after bedtime) I was suddenly able to approach motherhood in a new way. It wasn’t just that I was able to deal with getting out paints and things for them and allowing them to make a mess and explore themselves- but I was also able to remember and apply my creative thinking to the way I approached other situations. Instead of boxing myself into a place thinking that I had to act in certain ways and do certain things to be a ‘good’ mother, I realised that I have been created in this way, and that I can use the gift of creativity to enrich our lives and to change our everyday experiences as our children grow. It is one of my favourite times of the day, if we are able to get the watercolours out and spend even five minutes, all clustered around the table painting, and encouraging them to use their imaginations and explore colours and shapes. There are other passions and talents that they have which I can also encourage and help with, even though they might look different to mine. Phoebe (5) likes to make ‘models’ and even in the bath will make some kind of invention for icy water out of bath toys. For you that might be completely alien or overwhelming and that’s the beauty of us each being made differently.

I love that if we look for them, we can see ways to employ and apply our skills in the way we mother and within our home. Instead of focusing on our weaknesses and comparing those areas we find harder with others who naturally excel in those things- we can embrace our strengths and allow them to infuse themselves into our daily lives. There are no rules that say we have to be crafty, cook a certain ways or have a certain schedule. Such freedom can be overwhelming but it is also frees us from those unrealistic expectations that we can put on ourselves.

Download and print the new ‘values’ and ‘expectations’ journal pages from the mama book free here

Modelling our skills to our children

Allowing your children to see you using your skills, even if just for a couple of minutes shows them that their passions and enthusiasms are not limited to childhood. It reminds our children that we are 3D people, beyond being in existence solely in the role as their mama. I think if we all paused and remembered things we enjoyed doing as a child, we would have many happy memories, but it can be tempting to leave these things behind and see them as childish, carefree pursuits. However, I think we can learn a lot from those times of free play and exploration, both as we look at our children and as we contemplate our time as adults. We might not have the same enthusiasm for tree climbing as we used to, but we could share those memories with them, or make more time to go outside for walks if we remember that actually the outdoors is more important than we had remembered. Reading for fun, playing an instrument, putting on your music selection, whatever it is that helps you to remember your own interests as well as showing your children that you have these passions of your own. Sharing these experiences and memories with our children helps to build on our family values and identity instead of conforming to cookie-cutter family ideals.

Motherhood is diverse and yet universal as we all seek to love our children and help them grow. Doing motherhood in the way that makes sense and works for us, our families and our lives is life giving in a world which can seem filled with comparison and judgment. There is no one way. The ways to mother are broad and diverse. We can find purpose in living these days with love in the way that makes most sense for our unique children and our unique lives.

Don’t forget you can get free printable pages here on the resources page.

06/26/17

Purpose in Motherhood

We do a lot as mamas, and it can be easy to feel overwhelmed as we take care of children, appointment, cleaning, spiritual growth and much more. Each day can face us with a barrage of things that need doing, places to go as well as children that need loving and caring for. Many daily tasks which are repeated day after day, week after week, can leave us lost in the mundane details of life. It’s so easy to begin to lose sight of why we are doing them and what the lasting significance of our role is- whether we are at home full time, working full time or anywhere in between. How do we begin to dig into what our mission is in motherhood, and to remember that big picture of our role and purpose in motherhood?

What’s our goal?

Is our purpose to get through each day, to keep them alive and busy and happy? There have been so many days that when silence finally fell, I clambered into bed and breathed a sigh of relief that we all made it through. But whilst there are stages where adjusting to a new reality means that getting through the day and learning for the next one can be the best we hope for- we really know that our long term goal has to be linked to the kind of people we want our children to be as they grow up and enter adulthood.

Keeping the big picture in mind means tricky things like imagining our children as adults. What do we want them to be like? What traits and values do we want them to treasure, and how will they act towards other people? These things will likely look different between different families, and even between parents as we might have different aspects of our children’s developments that we have a particular investment in. It’s worth discussing with those who do parenting alongside us, and to work together to find those common key values as well as goals that we might be able to work on individually.Sharing your mission or purpose with your husband or partner can open up conversations and give you opportunities to understand each other better. Often you might have differing opinions but finding ways to appreciate those and work together as a team to build your family values and identity is challenging but rewarding!

What’s our motivation?

What are we doing this for- really? It’s an uncomfortable question. Is it for approval of others? To have well behaved children? To have the life wealways expected? In smaller everyday moments we can remind ourselves of this, as often our reactions to situations inside and outside of the house aren’t really responses to the behaviour or circumstance but reactions to the way we want our life to look. When our child is screaming down the road and we start to feel overwhelmed- sometimes it can be because we are worried about what other people think instead of being confident in knowing our child and understanding their frustrations. When something doesn’t go to plan and we realise that our expectations of a family that looked a certain way are beginning to crumble around us- we can be basing our motives and happiness on something that’s unstable. It can be hard if we’ve had dreams for what our future would look like and reality is not matching up, since we are basing our hopes on an ideal that is constructed in our heads instead of appreciating the family and life that we have right now, whatever it looks like.

As much as anyone else I have to sometimes stop and pause to remember that my role as mama is not about anyone else’s approval or to match up to society’s expectation or anything else- it’s about being faithful to the job I have been entrusted with and loving them in the way that’s right for them, for us. Whilst our daily life impacts and is impacted by others, the only motive I want to have is love, and confidence in the place in life that I’ve been put in right now.

Download a free ‘mama mission’ printable , so that you can take some time to reflect on your purpose and mission.

What are our values and skills?

Our purpose and mission is nuanced according to these values and skills so much. Whilst many of our hopes for our children might be similar, the ways we fill our everyday will still look very different as we have a variety of passions, talents, values and experiences to bring to the table in motherhood. This might literally mean gathering around the table with our families, the conversations we have at mealtimes, the paint we do or don’t get out depending on our tolerance for these things! It might mean lots of spontaneous walks in the country, or time spent perfecting models. It could mean all of these things, or none of these things- but each of our homes will have a unique makeup, an individual recipe that creates a beautiful combination of sounds, sights and smells that makes up the identity our family over time.

Often there are lots of different elements coming into play when we think about why we are a mama and what our role is. But if we get really specific to our unique values, our skills in motherhood and our individual children we can start to form a clear idea of what our mission is beyond cleaning and clearing and entertaining. The reason for all of those things, the why behind the tasks.

purpose in motherhood, mama mission the mama book

As a new mama I didn’t take much space to think about the big picture beyond imagining vaguely what ‘one day’ could be like with older children, and the kinds of things I was looking forward to about different stages. I’ve found it so helpful to physically write down some of my hopes for my children as they grow up and how that affects my purpose and my actions between now and then. As our priorities are made clear then our steps along the path towards those goals are much more evident, and the purpose in our day to day activities (even they still consists of making meals, cleaning clothes and finding random lost objects) is easier to remember. For me, my main purposes are to raise our little ones knowing and loving God, to help them to develop their skills and passions that they’ve been created with, and to help them to be kind and considerate adults. The smaller details of these can be seen in the ways we go about our weeks, how we are trying to model and show them ways to interact with others as we also follow our family’s passions and interests as well as their individual skills. Taking some time out of the everyday to pause and plan, to think of this big picture and even stick it up on the wall is so helpful when our day suddenly spins out of direction and I’m left wondering what I’m doing. A pause, a refocusing and a remembering what really matters in this crazy motherhood thing is so good.

There’s a free printable here called ‘mama mission’ that you can print and use as a space to reflect on some of these things- or you can find the page in the mama book big picture section if you’ve got a journal! I love having it up on the wall just to look at and refocus every once in a while. We have purpose in motherhood, such an important and special role to love our children and to shape their hearts. Let’s not forget that in the ordinary everyday, but infuse our daily lives with purpose and meaning in our motherhood.

06/19/17

Bringing back joy in motherhood

Happiness in motherhood comes and goes- as our children give us unprompted compliments, we enjoy a lovely day as a family and then something goes disastrously wrong at just the wrong moment. We come to expect our children’s emotions to go up and down and try to remain as stable a foundation as we can for them- but we can find we have come to a place where we aren’t as joyful as we could be, and our everyday life isn’t automatically prompting that deep seated feeling of contentment and joy in where we are. Whilst there will always be days which are more challenging and we won’t always wake up eager and ready to start the day (at 5am!) there are ways that can help us in bringing back some of our joy in motherhood.

How can we find ways to bring back joy in motherhood?

Refresh our mindset

When we are going about our everyday lives and mundane tasks there is a danger of becoming stuck in one way of thinking. When our weeks start to feel very familiar or when we start to do things habitually and forgetting the reason behind them our mindset can get a bit stuck. This is particularly challenging for me in the winter, when we can easily be inside our house, or at least our village for the majority of our days and the weeks and months have started to blend together as sun sets earlier and rises later. It can be difficult to be joyful when we really need some mental space and a change of scene even, to step back from the day-to-day that we have got stuck in.

I love having habits and rhythms to our weeks to reduce decision fatigue but intentionally going to new places, doing something spontaneously or finding some other way to burst out of the bubble of our usual lives is so helpful. I often overcomplicate this idea by trying to formulate a big plan, to go somewhere particularly exciting or feel like I need to plan ahead in order to do this. In reality all we need is a small change to feel more refreshed and joyful – and this often applies to the little ones as well as to me. Hopping in the car and going to a new park, spontaneously deciding to eat fish and chips instead of cooking and running about on a hillside are easy ways that we can find joy in new ways.

Remembering the big picture

Whilst we are going from place to place, making meals and playing with our little ones sometimes we can get bogged down in ‘what’ we are doing and forgetting the ‘why’. This easily sucks the joy from what we are doing when we are preoccupied with what is next, things we need to remember or what the timings are for the next day. Our roles go so much further than just ticking items off a list, keeping the children happy or healthy even, or keeping them entertained. Our reasons for doing all of these things and our motivation to keep going through the tough days gives us a much bigger and better perspective of how our roles matter to the future of our children and their passions, values and skills as adults.

Spending almost all of my time with my little ones in the last five years I have definitely had lots of times where I have forgotten how much this matters and wished for more time to myself or for the whole motherhood thing to be easier. It can be easy to forget the big picture in the middle of day after day of what seems like the same thing – but if I can stop and remember my purpose and how much I truly do want to be with them, having all these minutes, hours and days to love them and pour into them turns into a gift of time and a way for me to find joy in all of these things. (If you haven’t already done so, print off a copy of the ‘my mama mission’ page from the resources to give yourself some time and space to think through these things)

Counteract comparison by counting the joys

Comparing ourselves with others easy and dangerous trap to fall into. Each day we are interacting with other people, with the internet, with culture as a whole and we come across so many other people and situations that we can compare ourselves and our lives to. Whether it’s the other mothers that we interact with on a day-to-day basis, the perceptions of people’s lives that we see spread across social media channels or modern representations of mamas in the media, on our screens or in films- we can quickly compare and contrast with them and leave feeling discontent.

We do of course really need to exist in community with other people and other mothers, and the solution to this is not to avoid these situations (although unfollowing certain people on social media can be very freeing if you find this particularly challenging), but the way we interact and the way we speak to ourselves is key. If we are already feeling frustrated, tired or unsure, seeing someone else who seems to have everything ‘together’ easily leaves us vulnerable to comparison. It is so easy to see others for tiny snippets of time and to assume that they are succeeding in an area we are struggling with, or that we should be doing something that they are doing- or even that they don’t have any struggles. If we break it down like that we know that surely is not the case, as we all have our struggles but that they differ from person to person.

Making a point to think of, talk about or write down the good parts of your day, or life is such a good way to counteract the tendency to compare. By remembering those great things in our own lives we are focused on the positive in our own lives rather than chasing someone else’s good things. Instead of looking to the left or the right for affirmation about the way we are mothering and failing to find it, looking to those things that we can be grateful for is a simple but effective way to change our mindsets.

Joy in motherhood is both inevitable as we rejoice over our children, and worth fighting for on those harder days or in harder seasons. The perspective from which we approach our mothering makes such a difference to the ways we interact with our little ones and our motivation behind the ways we spend our time and energies. Mothering is a complex and confusing role to have but it’s so worth fighting to make the most of as we go through life with our children.

PS. You can get printable pages to help you write down some of these things and remember them in your everyday motherhood. Click over to the resources page to find the ‘count the joys’ printable and the ‘my mama mission’ to help you work out and remember these things. If you’re struggling through a period of darkness and joyful is something that you can’t even fathom, please talk to someone. You’re not alone and it will get better.

bringing back our joy in motherhood

06/12/17

Taking time to reflect and plan

When you stop to think about it, motherhood is a lot of things- beautiful and overwhelming, crazy and wonderful. But how often are we taking time to reflect whilst we are in the middle of normal, everyday motherhood? The obvious times that prompt us to consider our roles are occasions like Mother’s Day and perhaps birthdays, when we can crave affirmation and recognition for our work. Perhaps on a child’s birthday, reflecting on their start in life and maybe your own first days of motherhood often leaves us nostalgic and grateful for how much they have grown and changed in the time that has passed. We have these momentous pauses which society reminds us of, helping us in the midst of those celebrations and expectations to see how life has changed and how another year has passed. However, in the everyday trenches of motherhood and life, do we take much time to think about what motherhood means to us right in that moment? In the day filled with uneventful tasks, in the challenges, in the dance parties and the giggles?

How do we take time to pause and reflect on motherhood?
In the passing of everyday life, as spring blends into summer, passing into another golden autumn- I know that time goes really fast and I want to be able to take time to stop and reflect on this life, this wonderful responsibility of being mama. Life never seems to pause, gathering momentum the older they get, but beyond the to-do list and the appointments, I want to be able to plan our days around the things that matter the most to us as a family. Days seem to go by slowly at times, but then I blink and another week has passed, a month seems shorter than ever and the year just keeps going and going.

How do we take time to reflect on motherhood?

For me reflecting on motherhood used to happen when I happened to be looking through old photos, sometimes on those special occasions or when I was feeling frustrated about something (my reflections normally being that motherhood is hard in that circumstance!). Now I’ve built up habits of reflecting on the day (usually with my mama book just before I go to bed) but also taking time to step back further and reflect every month and in each new season.

Taking this time means we can remember the things that really matter to our families, to count the joys and build those connections with our little ones. We can reflect on challenges from the week, month, or whatever stage we are in, and have some peace of mind to think through them. Being able to stop and process our everyday lives means that we can make better judgments about how we use our time as a family in the future, and make plans that allow us to have joyful, intentional lives with our children.

taking time to reflect on motherhood

How do we plan in the right things- the things that really matter?

Look at the big picture

Remembering the big picture is so essential in allowing us to make decisions that reflect our real priorities. Life has a habit of jumping out with lots of things that could, should, or need to be done. There are appointments to meet, people to feed, washing to put in and phone calls to make. When it comes to planning our seasons, months or weeks- remembering the big priorities in our lives helps us to distinguish between things which are urgent, important or in reality not either.

So before we get out our diaries, calendars or planners- we need to remind ourselves of our priorities and our purpose. (You can download a free priorities list and mama mission worksheet here in the resource library, or flip back through your mama book big picture pages.) Remembering our overall goals and purpose allows us to make smaller decisions that build on them instead of working away from them.

Readjust every so often

As a mama I find that our everyday life shifts every few months and so I have to keep refreshing my expectations of what our days will look like. These little ones are changing fast and we often have to adapt and grow as fast as they do. Take time weekly, monthly, just to think about whether your everyday actions are still working with your priorities as a family or whether you need to readjust. It is fine to change the plan, to be flexible and to shift things around a bit.

How do we make sure we take time to plan ahead?

Quite simply- do it. We need to be disciplined in order to build up the habit, so just pick a time and stick with it. I have struggled with this- I often forget entirely and launch into a new week or season without taking time to think ahead and prepare myself. Sunday nights, new months and new school terms can be good reminders to take stock and have a look at whether we are spending time in the ways that really matter. Find some slot in your week to look forward, some slot in your month to reflect- find a way that works. It can be trial and error, but that is fine as long as we keep trying. If you need to plan in planning time- do that. If you need to put off the washing up one night – do that. It will take time, but only a little, and the benefits of reflecting and then applying that reflection to our coming days are great.

05/15/17

Mental space and motherhood

What is mental space in motherhood?

Mental space in the middle of motherhood can seem unachievable, or elusive. Having some space to think and process motherhood- time to yourself- can seem like a luxury when there are many needs, jobs and people vying for your attention. Taking time to decompress before getting that much longed for sleep, taking some time to enjoy something you love doing just because, or stopping long enough to plan and focus on ways to approach things differently, these are all great ways we could use some mental space. It’s ultimately about giving yourself permission to stop doing and being productive, and have a little break that refreshes and equips you for the days of motherhood ahead.

mental space and motherhood

Mental space and motherhood, or peace and quiet don’t often go together (not least in waking hours!). In those younger years it can be hard to go to the toilet alone never mind sit uninterrupted. But however you find it, whether it’s five minutes before your eyes close, waking five minutes before them or going to a different room whilst they watch a television program (I am looking at you, Peppa Pig), it is important to find little chunks of solitude and mental breathing room.

I know that because I have been through lots of seasons of not prioritising or recognising the need to do that. Going from thing to thing, fighting fires and meeting needs and getting them to sleep and feeding them, perhaps zoning out with technology and crashing in bed myself before waking up feeling that the sleep I had got wasn’t enough. Daily life and daily responsibilities of small people underfoot can easily take over, with the crumbs and the schedules, things to remember and places to be. Finally in the middle of the overwhelm that came with three children who were 3 and under, I realised how much weight I was putting on my mind to carry all my thoughts, dreams, struggles and many other things about motherhood. So many of them I had pushed aside to make room for other things and so I was losing sight of the bigger picture of motherhood as well as failing to enjoy everyday life as well as I could.

The effect of not doing anything that filled me up, or taking much time to reflect on that season or plan forward meant that I was always drained, always feeling pulled in lots of different directions and often unprepared. That season was definitely extreme, in terms of sleep deprivation and lots of needs that were around me, but even as they have got older I’ve had to be very intentional about making sure I do let myself have some mental space somewhere within what could turn into a very busy day. It is so easy for our schedules, our children or our phones to take over and before we know it weeks have passed and we feel worn out.

What does mental space practically look like?

Just taking five minutes to do something enjoyable, and have some unproductive alone time can make the biggest difference. Five minutes alone in the knowledge that it is self indulgent time, is the best time. And the key comes in recognising it- consciously choosing to put that time in, knowing that you’ve spent five minutes doing something you enjoy just for the purpose of filling your tank. Then we are able to hold onto that whilst we spend the rest of our minutes meeting others’ needs and pouring out. Spending five minutes lying on the bed looking at the ceiling, five minutes scrawling down on paper everything that you’re holding in your mind that’s filling up your brain. Five minutes reading a fiction book, having a cup of tea in peace whilst flipping a magazine or doing star jumps. It’s doing anything that helps, that you enjoy and that recharges you quickly. For me the best way to switch off my brain is to read fiction, and the best way to let my mind mull subconsciously is to have a shower.

There is mental space that fills you up so you can give out again, and there’s also mental space that prepares you for the next hour/ day/ week of motherhood. Time to process the day, to think about joys and wonderful memories you’ve made and also think on challenges from the week. But also the bigger, dreamier things. Remembering what your passions are and thinking of ways to include them in your life with you children. Thinking about your expectations of being a mother were, hoping about dreams for the future and writing down things you always wanted to do when you had children. Mental space that helps you to separate those tasks of feeding and taking and teaching from the reasons why we do those things, and marry them back up again in a way that helps you to remember your purpose and your unique ability to mother your children, in your way. We try to let our minds do so many things at once and have so many ‘tabs open’ that it’s really helpful to let it switch off or to physically write things down and ‘download’ them and sift through them so that we can focus on doing the things that matter in the way we want to do them.

It could be five minutes twice a day, or twenty minutes a day or a couple of hours a week, but finding a rhythm and a use of your time that is the most beneficial to you as a mama is so life-giving.

Finding mental space in motherhood is never going to be easy, especially not if you have little ones underfoot. Rather than waiting for them to grow older and life become ‘easier’, we need to find ways to embrace our season and pick ways and times that work for us to get some breathing room. Choosing not to automatically pick up social media, turn on netflix or any other ‘easy’ activity when we do have the chance can be hard but worthwhile. Going to bed five minutes earlier to reflect on your day, putting your phone out of reach or asking someone to watch the little ones for ten minutes (even if it’s a cartoon) to take some intentional time is always going to be worth the extra effort. Perhaps the biggest influence on our ability to find mental space is ourselves, and our own attitudes towards it. Often we push it off until later, think of something that is productive that we do enjoy but fail to remember that if we want to love those around us best, we need to take care of ourselves too, even in the smallest ways.